Everyday feminism polyamory

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Being polyamorous often means being sexually active with multiple people, but when it does, it ideally happens in a way that values communication as well as consent around emotional and sexual desires while also respecting limits.

People in polyamorous relationships do experience jealousy, sometimes quite often — but instead of avoiding feelings of jealousy, polyamorous folks just like all people in healthy relationships!

What is important is what you do with that feeling, and how you come to understand and deal with it. There are strategies to survive and even work to unlearn jealousy.

These can often be applied to other areas in our lives. In this way, confronting our feelings of jealousy can serve to make us stronger people, strengthening our foundation, our internal security, and our relationships, too.

While there are a lot of prejudices against polyamorous people, there can also be a romanticization of it, seeing polyamory as the truly evolved way to live.

The truth is, polyamorous people are not perfect. People hurt each other in polyamory just like they do in monogamy. Polyamorous relationships can fall apart just the same.

Polyamory comes with its own set of challenges, requiring a process of unlearning and challenging our cultural conditioning around love and relationships.

And there tends to be a strict distinction between the two. In polyamory, the distinction of a new relationship can be blurred and less defined, allowing more space to nurture new friendships.

Another way that polyamory opens us up to valuing all of our relationships is changing how we view time.

In monogamy, because sex is only shared with one person, we tend to use sex as currency. Sex is how we show value, how we differentiate one relationship from the rest.

But in polyamory, because you may be engaging in sexual relationships with multiple people, you distinguish relationships and show value through the use of time instead.

Time is a factor in platonic relationships as well, and because polyamorous people may have a different sense of how to allocate time, they often come to recognize that they need to share value and affection with friends and lovers alike.

When we see love as scarce, we are taught to see others outside of our relationship as potential competitors.

Often, these are people of our same gender. In polyamory, there is ideally a freedom from this way of thinking that can also be very liberating. It can be hard to do, especially at first, but when you work to humanize the people your partner is interested in, seeing them as allies rather than rivals, you are liberated from having to be territorial and can come to see everyone around you in a different light.

Competition amongst women, fueled by our patriarchal cultural conditioning, is incredibly detrimental to our fight for gender equality.

When we work to liberate ourselves and those around us from seeing other women as competitors, we work to strengthen the feminist movement.

No one should ever feel pushed into polyamory by a partner or by those around them — that choice should always be completely yours. More people are coming together to support other polyamorous folks, so look in your area for polyamory meet-up groups.

Or start your own! Check out online polyamory resources too, like Practical Polyamory , Polyamory Online , and Polyamory. Ultimately, the questions to ask yourself are these: What do you truly want from a relationship?

Can you have dates over to the house if the other partner is home, and if so, how will you share the space? Preventing problems before they arise is easier than intervening once they pop up, and making sure that you figure out logistics beforehand can really help in that endeavor.

How do I meet people, anyway? OKCupid is overwhelmingly the most popular site for non-monogamous people, largely because has specific settings for non-monogamous relationships.

Search around on social networking sites for polyam groups in your area, and see if they do a regular meetup somewhere. This is a great way to connect with a local community.

You can also meet people any of the ways one does when monogamous: bars, coffee shops, shared activity, and interest groups. But here are some common beginner mistakes to avoid.

A lot of people decide to be poly, connect with a community, and immediately start flirting with or asking out everyone they think is cute.

The friends you make will help you navigate the tough times and show you different models of how people actually do polyamory.

If you already have a long-term partner, they may feel neglected or fear that you love the new person more.

Growing out of it is also normal, whether that means falling out of love and letting a relationship dissolve, or developing a strong attachment bond which is steady and loving, but lacks the big highs and lows of the NRE phase.

With practice, a lot of polyam people have found ways to channel the energy from their new relationships into the longer-established ones, bringing a fresh surge of energy, tenderness, and excitement into relationships that have been going on for years.

Only mutual commitment, respect, and compatibility can do that. It can take some time to figure out how — or even if — polyamory works best in your life.

Ultimately, the goal is to deepen and strengthen your relationship with your 1 partner: yourself. Want to discuss this further? Login to our online forum and start a post!

Ginny Brown is a writer, speaker, and educator specializing in sexuality and relationships. She recently completed her M.

Ed in Human Sexuality and teaches college courses in health and sexuality. She also writes at www. Follow her on Twitter lirelyn.

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